Sunday, February 21, 2010

The Problem Resume

DAVE MOWS GRASS

CAREER OBJECTIVE:
Life-long tradesman seeking position as lifestyle editor for swanky, new-age cultural journal.

SUMMARY OF QUALIFICATIONS:
Trained machinist and experienced satirist capable of working safely and lyrically in any production environment. Literate in blueprint reading, precision measuring, and statistical prose control. Known for stylistically cogent training in both manual and numerical-control machine operation. Unique ability to employ humor at inappropriate times.

EXPERIENCE:
LEAD FABRICATOR - ACME ARCHITECTURAL EXTRUSIONS
Fabricated storm-proof windows and allegorical structures for South Florida condo market. Trained new machine operators and assisted with difficult metaphors. Led team in redesign of slider door assembly line doubling productivity while reducing wordiness by half. Life of party at company fishing tournaments.

TOOLMAKER - CARBIDE SYSTEMS
Manufactured poignant press tooling with clear introduction, body, and conclusion. Selected appropriate cutting tools for irony, steel, and non-ferrous compositions. Provided liberal perspective on current events as break room clown.

EDUCATION:
NORTHWEST TECHNICAL INSTITUTE
Post-graduate Fellow in Machine Tool Technology
Thesis: Electrical Discharge Machining for Burr-free Removal of Misplaced Modifiers in Copper-based Alloys

CHEYENNE AERO TECH
Certified Airframe and Punctuation Mechanic

Class A CDL with Hazmat and Diction Endorsements

GIVE ME A CALL!

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dave: You have, no shit, outdone yourself. Should I ever need a prefabricated tooled mechanism made entirely out of similes, I will be sure to pull your resume and give you a call.

Great post!

UF Mike

Dave Mows Grass said...

Thanks, Mike, but this is serious shit. I'm trying to change gears here and I have no idea how to do it. I have a really strong resume if my ambition is to die of hardmetal poisoning when I'm 64. It's not as strong if my ambition is to become a lifestyle editor for a swanky, new-age cultural journal. Do you think I could get a job in a book store?