Sunday, July 19, 2009

Dave Mows Grass on Changing Habits - Redux

I just realized how poorly I made my point about toilet paper. I was trying to say that I have $.99 to buy toilet paper with but I can't bring myself to do it. I mean, who needs toilet paper in Arkansas? I'd rather have the buck!

Saturday, July 18, 2009

UF Mike Wants to Know if I Play the Pipes

No, I just inflate them and stand next to steel buildings.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Dave Mows Grass on Changing Habits

Well, I've sold some stuff, the overtime is kicking in, and I find myself actually having a little bit of money. It's not much, but it's enough to begin rebuilding my vanquished savings account and still buy a $.99 double cheeseburger at McDonald's, or a $.99 Drowning Pool song at iTunes, or a $.99 roll of toilet paper at WalMart. I used to be able to drop $500 on a whim for something I didn't even want. Now I can't even pry a dollar out of my ass for a basic necessity, and I couldn't wipe if I did. I guess my habits have changed.

An eBay Prayer

Oh, God of my Misunderstanding, please give me the strength to resist buying this BMX bike frame with the money I made selling my bagpipe music books.

Friday, July 10, 2009

I'm Thinking of Writing a Book

A collection of autobiographical fiction articles along the lines of Jon Krakauer's Eiger Dreams except about kayaking instead of mountaineering. Of course, Jon Krakauer did actually solo Devil's Thumb and did actually wave off a rescue helicopter on Mont Blanc du Tacul. He did climb a 350-foot frozen waterfall in Valdez, Alaska and he did go higher on Eiger's Nordwand than any human has any business going. Of course, I don't have the balls to climb crazy peaks like that. I'm a kayaker so my book will be about rivers I don't have the balls to run. Maybe I'll tell the story of how I didn't quit my job, sell everything I own, and move to Chile to fulfill my lifelong non-fantasy about becoming a guide on the Futaleufu. Or I could talk about the first descents I didn't bag in Mindanao the last time I went to visit my wife's family. That might sell. I mean, who wouldn't want to read a humble vignette about how poorly my sea kayaking skills stacked up against those of the fishermen I didn't stay with in Greenland? It'll be a bestseller!

Policy Memo - Hot Tickets

Being as shorthanded as we are, it's becoming a challenge to serve all of our customers in a timely manner as business increases. We often need to expedite certain jobs to take care of our best customers or new customers we can't afford to loose. We identify these jobs by stapling an orange hot ticket to the work order. The problem we're having lately is that about two-thirds of our work orders have hot tickets stapled to them. This frustrates our brain operators who have no way of knowing which of the hot jobs is the hottest. For this reason, we will now limit ourselves to two hot tickets per right brain and two per left brain. This means that each brain cell could have as many as four hot tickets but only two per brain, the job that is running and the job that is first in the queue. For extremely hot jobs initiated by me, we will still use the informal "dave job" designation that has emerged but dave jobs will also receive a hot ticket. We will no longer have the dave job plus the two hot jobs in the same queue. These new procedures will help us clarify priorities so we can produce the most critical gibberish first. Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

Dave Renfro, CEO

Controlled document. Not for distribution.

Saturday, July 04, 2009

I have no idea what custard is

but I'm suspicious of any food that has to be frozen to taste good.

Makes great bunkers!

Thursday, July 02, 2009

CEO's Blog - July 2nd, 2009

Well, it's July again and another fiscal year has dropped. As you all know, we've been drawing down our inventory for the last several months in order to achieve an artificial accounting result for the quarter. I don't think we fooled anyone but it's always worth trying. Anyway, now is payback time. Following a few soft quarters, we've seen an uptick in demand across the board and our ReThought product is taking off. A surprising marketing idea from Steve in the brainroom has also brought in some new customers who are using our gibberish as mulch. It's going to be assholes and elbows rebuilding our inventory while keeping up with this increased customer demand so expect to work every weekend unless you hear otherwise. But not this weekend. This weekend, we are taking three days to celebrate the birth of our great nation. Put your militant Christian, right-wing, ultra-nationalist reactionary hats on and go blow some shit up! Don't get drunk and drive though because we need every one of you back here on Monday, in one piece, and ready to produce great gibberish. Thanks to everyone for making FY09 such a marginal success!