Friday, April 24, 2009

Here's to You, Healthy Prostate Man!

You know who you are, standing there with your your hands on your hips and every strand of your silver hair in perfect place. Your continuous stream mocks my bifurcated, paruretic trickle. So does your single, exaggerated shake and the slowness with which you wash and dry your hands. But why hurry, when your prostate is the size of a walnut and just as hard. You are a deluge of truck stop confidence and I raise my gallon-jug of water to you... just as soon as I finish!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

You Are a Production Worker

This is the one, immutable truth that underlies your entire existence. You can no more change this fact about yourself than you can change the length of your penis. Strapping on an associate degree from some dipshit online university will not make you any larger or more potent than you already are, and it will not increase your pleasure. Do not be confused by personal quirks like your natural understanding of difficult mathematical concepts or the fact that you occasionally write well. Stack all your quirks end-to-end and they would not reach one escalator flight in the monster edifice of your production worker being. Put on a collared shirt and go to quality conferences if you like, but understand that you are going to a dude ranch. You are not exploring your personal potential; you are punchin' doggies, because you are about as close to being a statistician or technical writer or "quality professional" as you are to being a fucking cowpoke! The "exploring your potential" lie is ambition fucking with you. Your potential is what it is and you have already reached it. Ask yourself these questions: Can you write well every day? Can you design effective experiments every day? Can you recognize waste and design countermeasures to eliminate it every day? Now ask yourself this: Can you do production work every day? I don't need to tell you the answers. You are a production worker. It is your who, your what, your where, your when, your how, and your why. It is your Five Whys! You are a production worker. Make peace with this fact and you will make peace with yourself. Do it now.