Sunday, December 27, 2009

Recondite Quips and Hockey Fight Clips

"I never allow myself to be influenced in the smallest degree either by atmospheric disturbances or by the arbitrary divisions of what is known as time. I would willingly reintroduce the use of the opium pipe or the Malay kris, but I know nothing about that of those infinitely more pernicious and moreover flatly bourgeois implements, the umbrella and the watch."

--The "I've gotten dried off as many times as I've gotten wet" character Bloch, from Marcel Proust's In Search of Lost Time

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Extremely Slight Risk of Death

"Our Brotherhood values courage over technique because we believe that the risk of death is a necessary component of spiritual growth, that consequence inspires one to greater honesty (technique merely allows access to more terrain upon which to express our values). The heart of climbing as I know it magnifies the transitory nature of life; partners died, I nearly did, I became aware, I learned who I am, and I learned to respect life and life lived now. When I climbed close to the threshold of my ability, when the threat of death urged me to give all of myself without reservation to the task, then courage won over doubt and I felt purified. In these moments, risk compelled me to overcome limitations I had accepted simply because others suggested them, and I grew." --Mark Twight

Theoretically, I could die!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

I Love Facebook!

It's too bad I deactivated my account. Without it, how am I supposed to tell all the people I haven't seen in twenty years and will probably never see again that I'm eating fish sticks with Thousand Island dressing on them?

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

A Short Rant

When my government imprisons people indefinitely without a trial, it harms me! When my govenment tortures people, it harms me! When my government murders people using unmanned drones like it's a fucking video game, it harms me! It harms me far more than some dumb-ass kid hiking through the Pamirs or wherever with flip-flops and a Kalashnikov.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

We Live in a Respectable Apartment

which really sucks. At our old apartment, it was very unusual to not hear someone banging on a half-clogged catalytic converter with a hammer every Saturday afternoon. Sometimes I would be shooting pucks (which I can't do in my new, respectable apartment) off the plastic sheet I placed on my back patio (which I don't have at my new, respectable apartment) and I would just sense that something was wrong. So I would go inside and ask my wife, "Babsey-babe, how come it's like a morgue outside?" She would open the door, close it, and say, "Because no one's banging on a half-clogged catalytic converted with a hammer." Now we're at our new, respectable apartment and nobody ever bangs on a half-clogged catalytic converter with a hammer. Nobody bangs on anything with a hammer. I think the reason why nobody ever bangs on anything with a hammer is that none of my respectable neighbors know how to bang on anything with a hammer. They have people for that! It also may have something to do with the paragraph in our lease agreements that expressly prohibits the banging on of anything with a hammer. The language is very clear. It says, "Tenants are prohibited from banging on anything with a hammer." Other than that and the fact that the lady who used to sell me tamales out of the trunk of her car at the old place doesn't come to our new, respectable apartment, I can't complain. The rent is $150 a month more but at least I was able to sell my truck for $500 less than I could have if the catalytic converter wasn't half-clogged. God, I miss my old apartment.

And my truck.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Policy Memo - Urine or You're Out!

Creating great gibberish requires a kind of natural creativity that cannot come naturally. For this reason, DMG Gibberish Solutions encourages all employees to take whatever cognitive enhancers they require in order to achieve a sufficiently gibberative state. We do not do drug testing for new hires or for those involved in accidents within our facilities. Unfortunately, accidents involving our company vehicles have become so frequent and so severe that we are forced to implement our new Urine or You're Out! policy. We cannot afford to replace our entire fleet every two weeks as we have been doing. Under this policy, employees involved in an accident while driving a company vehicle must return to work as soon as possible for urine testing or face termination. The test will take place at the fenced side employee parking lot. The employee must piss over the chain link fence for at least five seconds. If the employee is not sufficiently soused to piss over the fence for five seconds, he will not have an adequate excuse for wrecking the company vehicle and must enroll in a defensive driving course paid for by the company. Employees drunk enough to pass the urine test will be deemed to have had an adequate excuse for the accident and will be allowed to return to work. Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

Dave Renfro, CEO

Controlled document. Not for distribution.