Thursday, December 10, 2009

Policy Memo - Urine or You're Out!

Creating great gibberish requires a kind of natural creativity that cannot come naturally. For this reason, DMG Gibberish Solutions encourages all employees to take whatever cognitive enhancers they require in order to achieve a sufficiently gibberative state. We do not do drug testing for new hires or for those involved in accidents within our facilities. Unfortunately, accidents involving our company vehicles have become so frequent and so severe that we are forced to implement our new Urine or You're Out! policy. We cannot afford to replace our entire fleet every two weeks as we have been doing. Under this policy, employees involved in an accident while driving a company vehicle must return to work as soon as possible for urine testing or face termination. The test will take place at the fenced side employee parking lot. The employee must piss over the chain link fence for at least five seconds. If the employee is not sufficiently soused to piss over the fence for five seconds, he will not have an adequate excuse for wrecking the company vehicle and must enroll in a defensive driving course paid for by the company. Employees drunk enough to pass the urine test will be deemed to have had an adequate excuse for the accident and will be allowed to return to work. Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

Dave Renfro, CEO

Controlled document. Not for distribution.
DMG-72154

2 comments:

w.w. said...

this one just earned you a cabinet level position in my administration after i have taken over the world.

Dave Mows Grass said...

Can I be Gibberish Secretary? The ideas contained in this policy are actually the intellectual property of a co-worker of mine from Tulsa about ten years back. Hi, Walter!