Saturday, January 30, 2010

Friday, January 29, 2010

Internal Memo - Lame Kayaking Photos

We will soon be issuing a press release responding to the recent Wall Street Journal article calling DMG Gibberish Solutions, "...a Class II boater and Class V poster." While we do not dispute the facts of the article, we must take immediate action defend our image. Our business depends on it! Starting today, DMG Gibberish Solutions will cease the posting of lame kayaking photos on its web site or in its printed media. A lame kayaking photo is one showing a kayaker on flatwater or easy whitewater with no humor, irony, or interesting background features. Close-up portraits are allowable as long as the face fills at least a quarter of the frame. I realize this will make production more difficult given that none of us ever run anything but Class I and easy Class II rivers. One strategy would be to scan the banks for deformed trees or unique geological features and take photos highlighting yourselves and those features as if you encountered them on the pool below the waterfall you just ran. Another would be to take zoomed-out photos of yourselves scouting dangerous rapids you have no intention of running. One important point is to never name the river where the photos were taken. Everyone knows the Mulberry is lame. That's why people call it the Dullberry. Nothing will undermine our hard-earned Class V brand image faster than posting pictures from the Dullberry on this web site.

It is important that we continue to develop our kayaking skills so that someday we can start running difficult rapids. In the mean time, we must do everything we can to maintain our inflated brand image as a competent boater. Our business depends on it!

Dave Renfro, CEO

Maximum security document. May not be physically or electronically duplicated in any manner. Not for distribution outside the big room.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Ice Storm 2010 Shopping List

1. Charcoal
2. Some meat
3. Batteries for headlamp
4. Any Balzac
5. Any Hormel
6. Kleenex
7. Wax (for kayak)
8. Crampons
9. Speedo

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Rapid Deceleration

Extremely Brand Conscious American Consumer

I am one, which is why I eat Oscar Mayer bologna every day of my life. On Wonder Bread. With Kraft American Cheese. And French's Mustard. As God intended.

Fall in love all over again... with bologna!"

Saturday, January 02, 2010

Cool Product Pick of the Week

Starting the New Year Off Right!

My Generalized New Year's Resolution for 2010 is the same as it has been for the last several years: "I resolve to be less of an asshole this year than I was in the last." The Dalai Lama calls this "being kind whenever possible" and adds that, "It is always possible." This whole concept of kindness is new to me, but I believe it is a good thing and I'm trying very hard to learn. It's never too late!

For my Ultra-specific New Year's Resolution for 2010, I decided on one that I had already achieved: "I Resolve to float the King's River from Marble to Marshall's Ford with some new paddling friends." I knew Painter Bob already but I didn't meet Rodger, Nik, Bea, and Archie till I arrived at the Kings River Store in Marble this morning. We waited a few minutes to see who else might show (We missed you, Eric. Hope your back gets to feeling better.) and then set shuttle. The temperature was above freezing by the time we put in for 11 miles of the most enjoyable paddling I've ever experienced. It was absolutely beautiful with huge overhanging bluffs and sand bars situated perfectly for enjoying them. The water was clear and the level perfect.

Other than two low-water bridges and a nasty undercut at the second tall bluff, there weren't any hazards to speak of. That didn't stop Rodger from pinning across a channel between a tree and some shallow rocks, though. While he was extricating himself, Bob decided to park his canoe alongside the same tree and hold himself there with his free arm as the current rushed underneath him. Rodger was still struggling to un-stick himself after several seconds so Bob thought he'd stretch his legs and rinse out the inside of his boat while he waited for the traffic to clear. Hey, if your hair didn't get wet, you didn't swim! Archie's hair did get wet but lab tests have proven that schnauzer undercoat insulates ten times better than 200-weight Polartec fleece. He was fine.

Nik and Bea brought interesting conversation, figs, and some seriously good venison jerky which they were quick to share. They could both thread the needle with their long touring kayaks, too. Between them and Rodger, they turned me on to at least 1000 miles of trails (and bushwhacks between trails) that I absolutely must hike before the end of the weekend.

While still a skeptic, this section of the Kings River is one of the best arguments for Intelligent Design that I have ever heard. If you haven't been on it yet, "waste a perfect whitewater day" and float this beautiful Class I creek the next time it rains. You'll be glad you did! As for me, I'm just happy to have my Ultra-specific New Year's Resolution out of the way so I can start banging away at that Generalized Resolution. Now that's the good stuff!

Rodger, Nik, Bob, and Bea

The first low-water bridge

My regular helmet doesn't fit over my beanie

I will never Photoshop my own expression!

Painter Bob and Archie

This is the only icicle shot that came out well. The big icicles were all in shaded areas so the pictures came out blurry.

Rodger and Bea shown for scale.

A nice place to grab some lunch.

Hard to fit it all in one frame!

Nik and Bea checking out the bluff with the nasty undercut.

The second low-water bridge is actually a dam. That hydraulic would kill you at higher levels! Portage on river right.

We were becoming more aware of the biting cold as the sun began to set but we still had several more bluffs to see. By the time we got to the take-out, I think we were all ready to get in some dry cloths and crank the heater. What a great start to a new year!