Friday, January 29, 2010

Internal Memo - Lame Kayaking Photos

We will soon be issuing a press release responding to the recent Wall Street Journal article calling DMG Gibberish Solutions, "...a Class II boater and Class V poster." While we do not dispute the facts of the article, we must take immediate action defend our image. Our business depends on it! Starting today, DMG Gibberish Solutions will cease the posting of lame kayaking photos on its web site or in its printed media. A lame kayaking photo is one showing a kayaker on flatwater or easy whitewater with no humor, irony, or interesting background features. Close-up portraits are allowable as long as the face fills at least a quarter of the frame. I realize this will make production more difficult given that none of us ever run anything but Class I and easy Class II rivers. One strategy would be to scan the banks for deformed trees or unique geological features and take photos highlighting yourselves and those features as if you encountered them on the pool below the waterfall you just ran. Another would be to take zoomed-out photos of yourselves scouting dangerous rapids you have no intention of running. One important point is to never name the river where the photos were taken. Everyone knows the Mulberry is lame. That's why people call it the Dullberry. Nothing will undermine our hard-earned Class V brand image faster than posting pictures from the Dullberry on this web site.

It is important that we continue to develop our kayaking skills so that someday we can start running difficult rapids. In the mean time, we must do everything we can to maintain our inflated brand image as a competent boater. Our business depends on it!

Dave Renfro, CEO

Maximum security document. May not be physically or electronically duplicated in any manner. Not for distribution outside the big room.


carl duewall said...

and no class II hitch balls on class III draw bars either...

Dave Mows Grass said...

Touche, Carl! That would really be lame. That would be as lame as the time I sold an equalizer setup to this joker with a Ford Explorer who wanted to tow his 16' tandem with 8-foot-tall plywood sides loaded with everthing he owned all the way to Alaska in March. That was lame!