Tuesday, August 25, 2009

I Pledge Allegiance

to get out of the United States of America, to leave the Republic for the Philippines, at fifty, with my 401-k (minus ten percent) and a bicycle.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Pointless Summertime Musings

In our public schools, the buzzword is tolerance. We must all learn tolerance, or whatever. If we are an intolerant people, then I suppose becoming tolerant is a necessary step. It is not the destination, though. My dream is not to live in a world where we tolerate our fellow man in spite of his differences; my dream is to live in a world where we love our fellow man because of them. The differences between men add value to my life.

The same goes with paddles.

If I learned one thing in my days of fossil-fuel-powered sports (thank Whoever for helping my transcend those boorish, earth-destroying activities), it is that you never change more than one thing at a time. I didn't re-jet the carburator, change the cam timing, advance the ignition, and go to a hotter spark plug just because the engine in my Datsun hesitated a bit coming off idle. Paddles is different, though. With paddles, every adjustment costs $250. I measure twice, adjust once, adjust completely, and relish the huge difference for the value it adds to my life.

A 45-degree, orange paddle with a standard-sized bent shaft is to a 30-degree, green paddle with a small-sized straight shaft as baseball is to cricket. They both go good with beer. My orange-paddle roll had not failed me a single time since that dark swim on the Frog nearly a year ago. I was determined to never let that happen again. I practiced and practiced until I had convinced myself there was no possibility of me ever missing a roll again. If I had a paddle in my hands--any paddle--I would be able to roll! I tried my brand-new green paddle out in the treacherous waters of Beaver Lake today and swam three times in an hour. It felt like I was using a tennis racquet. It was a very humbling experience.

As I was diagnosing the exact cause of my roll meltdown, I got to thinking about paddle-diversity and tolerance and stuff. The worst thing in the world would be for me to hate my new paddle or be afraid of it just because it is different. I don't really want to tolerate it's differences either. What I want to do--what I choose to do--is to love my new paddle because of it's differences. If I can't roll with my new paddle, it it not the paddle's fault. My green paddle has no duty to change itself to be more like my orange paddle just to avoid my discrimination and unfair treatment. Instead, I have a duty. I have a duty to learn to roll again using a fucking tennis racquet.

Are we really that different?

Monday, August 17, 2009

Policy Memo - Scriptural References

In the past, DMG Gibberish Solutions has used oblique scriptural references to add weight and haughtiness to ideas and concepts it deemed important. New focus group testing has shown that this approach no longer works and often has the opposite effect. It annoys those who don't ascribe to any particular faith and offends those who do. For this reason, the Five Pillars of Operators Paint Machine (OPM) will now be called the Five Tenets of OPM and the Ten Commandments of Single-minute Exchange of Gibberish (SMEG) will be called simply the Ten Rules of SMEG. We will continue to refer to the Seven Chakras of the Dave Mows Grass Production System (DMGPS) as the Seven Chakras until an adequate substitute word can be found. If you find similar scriptural references in any DMG documents or publications, please let your supervisor know so we can have the language updated to reflect the changing Zeitgeist. Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

Dave Renfro, CEO

Controlled document. Not for distribution.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Job Posting - Brain Cell Operator

Our Playground Padding Group (PGPG) is expanding operations in order to keep up with increasing demand. We are in need of four brain cell operators, two for day shift and two for nights, to man two new brain cells. Each operator will be responsible for both the left brain and right brain in one cell. Two years manufacturing experience required with gibberish production experience a definite plus. Job involves long hours of thankless toil under inhospitable conditions. Qualified applicants will have suffered. Please post resume and gibberish sample to www.davemowsgrass.blogspot.com if you love gibberish!

DMG Gibberish Solutions is an equal opportunity employer.

My Favorite Song

is the Song of Regret. I sing it in the shower.

Sunday, August 09, 2009

A Better Bulkhead

Sorry factory bulkhead.

Everything comes out!

Note the exquisite craftsmanship that Wavesport and Dagger are so famous for. Some deburring may be in order but don't weaken the bulkhead by hogging the slots out any bigger than they already are.

The fact that the two mounting holes for the center pillar are drilled off-center will not jeopardize the safety of the boat. Nor will the unused hole on the right. They may be such a distraction to the paddler that he sometimes misses crux moves on the river and ends up in a bad way, though, especially if that paddler is a machinist by trade and a little bit anal.

Put the thin factory foam pieces and the multi-adjustable foot entrapment death snares in the bin where they belong.

Now we're ready to start!

Reassemble the bulkhead two holes further forward and without the Mickey Mouse adjustable plates. Now's the time to bend the aluminum bars to they fit snug to the hull.

Show empathy and goodwill to the person who originally assembled the boat by not correcting the listing pillar. Put it back in and forget about it.

A file folder makes a good template. Do not rush this step!

Three-inch-thick foam will not fit over the bulkhead so there will not be any chance of a foot entrapment. You'll have to find some other way to trap yourself underwater.

A knife with some spine will cut the straightest

Another step that shouldn't be rushed.

A little contact cement...

...and Bob's your uncle! Have your kid stand stand over the bulkhead to check for any hull flex. If everything checks out OK, you're ready to piton!

Sunday, August 02, 2009

Policy Memo - Paint Schemes

In the past, OPM (Operators Paint Machine) teams have been directed to paint all machines white regardless of the original color. Having one color makes the shop look more uniform and it exposes dirt, which has been a primary driver in our effort to create a cleaner, safer workplace for all of our operators. As we paint more and more machines, though, the tyranny of white has become unbearable. DMG Gibberish Solutions believes that nothing fucks up the feng shui of a busy brainroom faster than a bright white machine surrounded by yellow and black stripes. The safety yellow and black are required by law so the only way to avoid them would be to move our whole operation to Djibouti, an option we are considering. The bright white we can change right now. From now on, OPM teams will paint machines off-white instead of white. Machines already painted white will remain white until they are selected for another OPM event, at which time they will be painted off-white. Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

Dave Renfro, CEO

Controlled document. Not for distribution.

My New Lunch Box

No more broken, soggy pop tarts on the river!