Monday, February 15, 2010

I Think About Suicide All the Time

Actually, not really. I'm pretty happy most of the time. I do imagine myself being hit by a truck sometimes... after jumping off an overpass. But it seems pretty unlikely that I would ever do such a thing; I'm a talker more than a doer and besides, jumping from an overpass with no means of restraint takes real courage, a kind of courage I doubt I could ever muster. Truth be told, most of my suicide attempts are just cries for help. Take today when I smeared Equate brand Ultra Strength Muscle Rub over my entire body. I was certain saturating every square inch of my skin with this powerful ointment would deliver the lethal dose I so desperately needed but just to be sure, I also smeared an extra-thick coating onto my pubic hair and put my Speedo on over it. That way my hemlock would continue to be absorbed through the blood-rich skin of my groin long after a camphor-induced coma rendered my slimy hands useless. As it happened today, no coma occurred. Instead, I just sat there on the couch with a hard-on watching the Canadian women's hockey team demolish the shellshocked but still stunningly beautiful Swiss team.

No one hears my cries!

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dave, that is the funniest, sickest, most absurd post you've ever written. I salute you, brother. You had me in stitches.

Thanks, Mike

GEWELS said...

Dave, it is definitely a "cry" but I'm not sure what it's a cry for exactly.
entertaining though.

Dave Mows Grass said...

Thanks, but are either of you going to try to talk me back from the edge of this cliff? You see, that's what I mean about no one hears my cries.

Thanks, really!

Dave Mows Grass said...

Oh, and it does me well to see you again, Gewels! I see you over on Facebook but there's such an hypoxic atmosphere for quality gibberish over there that I can only survive for a few seconds at a time. I hope you enjoyed those austere emergency rations you described during all that snow as you were waiting for your flight to Costa Rica.

~Your friend, Dave.

red dirt girl said...

well dave. i know sumpin''bout what you're talking. i'm already at the bottom of the cliff. go ahead. jump. the ride is ...... well ..... it's the ride of your life, right ????

have missed you. and me.

xxx

bulletholes said...

Well, its been 24 hours and I'm still shaking my head.
Thats some funny stuff Davy!
"No one hears my cries"....thats the one that got me!

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Dave Mows Grass said...

Hi Mule Friend! Damn is it good to see you! Truth is, I'm down at the bottom with you. My cliff may be a little bit shorter than yours--I suspect it is--but it's tall enough I can't seem to get to the top. I scramble about a third of the way up and get what climbers call "sewing machine leg" and I have to bail. These last few years have been a real bitch!

Damn is it good to see you!

Thanks, Stevie!

red dirt girl said...

dave -

the feeling is mutually shared, friend!! mwah, mwah, smooch-y!

xxx

Anonymous said...

I spent all last year in the shit, real bad and I mean big time, and I'm still trying to claw my way back out, so I know what you're talking about. Don't jump. The view from the bottom is not half as good as the view from the top, and broken ankles hurt.

UF Mike

red dirt girl said...

Mike is right. I've given you erroneous advice. Jumping sucks. I just wanted some company. It gets real lonely all curled up in one's bed with a smelly dog and packing boxes stacked up all around you. you can get kind of ... paranoid 'bout stuff. like "no body likes me. everybody hates me. so i'm going to go eat worms ..." paranoid.

love ya!
xxx

Dave Mows Grass said...

Hi again, mule friend! I didn't actually jump; it's more like I slid down on my ass. But we'll climb out together, ok? Because Mike is right, the view from down here really sucks, except when you're leading the climb.

red dirt girl said...

oh no you soooooo did NOT just reference a particular, specific, unique, individual ASS !!!!!!

mwaaaahaaaaaaaa!!!!

i love ya!
XXX

Anonymous said...

I have no urge to lead. I do, however, want to be behind a shapely ass.

UF Mike