Sunday, August 05, 2012

Depression

I sort of have it, but not really. While I doubt that DSM-IV criteria for clinical depression, when carefully applied, would warrant the diagnosis in my case, it is true that I do not always hear the world with a lush 80's reverb. If I had my levels of neurotransmitters serotonin, norepinephrine and dopamine checked by a lab, I doubt they would be sufficiently low to justify prescribing an SSRI to regulate them, but that doesn't negate the fact that I do not exactly see the world with that backlit, soft-focus glow like they put around Cybill Shepherd's hair in Moonlighting. I do not present a negative emotionality and all-encompassing low mood to a degree that would indicate therapy, but like the John Mayer song goes, my mellow is not so yellow.

13 comments:

Martijn said...

So all in all, you're doing quite okay, except that you don't have that type of happiness normally seen only in commercials for tampons? Then you're one of the lucky ones.

Dave Renfro said...

Yeah, that's about right. I'm not as happy as this pre-menopausal woman paddling a Liquid Logic Remix kayak with the logos blacked out (usually they mask the logos with with the color of the kayak instead of black. That's what they do in the erectile dysfunction kayak ads).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ap5eQyNdDk


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ap5eQyNdDk

Dave Renfro said...

How does she keep her hair dry?

red dirt girl said...

Hmmmmm .... maybe I cannot relate as my depression is definitively diagnosed, and yes, drugs help. But do not cure. I once hoped/believed/dreamed that I would wake up one day and not be depressed. Just one day. That's all I'm asking. But it isn't going to happen.

At least you aren't talking about pulling yourself up by your boot straps / manning-up sort of nonsense ...

xxx

Dave Renfro said...

RDG - In 2009, when I got laid off, my stress became so severe I decided, for the sake of my family, that I needed to do something about it. At the least I needed to find out what made me so susceptible to it so I could understand it. I read about depression and bi-polar disorder, neither of which applied in my case. I had nearly every symptom of ADD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder to some extent, but neither came close to explaining the wide array of difficulties that have plagued my entire life. It was about that time when Donald's preschool teacher mentioned Asperger's Syndrome. Now, almost two years later, I think of my life in two parts: The time before I knew I had autism and the time after. Nothing has changed, of course; no magical restructuring of my prefrontal cortex occurred just because I discovered my condition has a name and is not unique. It is nice to know why, though. Why are things which seem so easy for most people so goddamn difficult for me? Now I know why.

I think sometimes about what might be possible with treatment. Temple Grandin, who I regard as the single most credible source for autism information, says she knows so many Aspergers people who are miserable because they refuse to even consider treatment. She knows just as many who have had wonderful improvements in their lives just by taking low doses of SSRIs, maybe a quarter or a half of what would be prescribed for depression, just to take the edge off the anxiety. She has taken the same antidepressant for more than 30 years and says she could not have had a career without it. So I think about it.

It's frightening, though, to think about life without anxiety, or with less severe anxiety. Anxiety is the gyroscope which has controlled my speed and direction for my entire life. It has informet every important decision I have ever made. Anxiety is the exoskeleton that gives me my form. WIthout it, what would I be but a quivering blob of nervous flesh?

More practical would be to try to treat my extreme distractibility. There's a fairly compelling safety argument for doing so, too. I work in a factory full of potentially lethal machinery and drive there in a potentially lethal car, all the time drifting off to dream about--I don't know--other things, only to wake to find myself over a centerline or cycling some machine. Surely there is some prescription crank I can get that would help me focus, Adderall or something. But no, the last thing a naturally nervous person needs is a bunch of meth every day.

And treating autism generally, well, that's just absurd. Besides, all the things I'm really good at I'm good at because of my autism. A better option, it seems to me, is to just watch my son and try to figure out how he does it. He's more autistic than I'll ever be and he's also more happy than I've ever been. There's a lesson in there!

You're tops, mule friend!

red dirt girl said...

((Hugs))

You've certainly considered all the options. I read Temple Grandin long before she became a public figure. I, too, have doubts about medication and how it changes a life. For 13 years I was diagnosed with Bi-polar Disorder II and medicated accordingly. I had super super highs and frighteningly dangerous lows. I had mini-psychotic breaks and suicidal ideation. Before that I was diagnosed with Dysthymia. Before that PTSD ... Currently I'm ummm...Major Depressive Disorder, Recurring in partial remission ...???!!!

I'm more than willing to try and take a turn without meds. I did for 3 months last year, but the brief interlude came crashing down when I developed sudden severe anxiety ... I couldn't even leave my bedroom. So I DO understand anxiety and its crippling effects. Currently I take an anti-anxiety med which takes the edge off along with an old-fashioned tricyclic antidepressant because I ran through the gamut of SSRI's and all ended up 'punking out' on me.

Which is to say, there are not many options left to me that I haven't already tried.

I agree - observe your son and follow suit. My doctor also raves about the benefits of taking Fish Oils, B-12 injections if needed, B-6, daily exercise and yoga, low carb /high protein diet. Lifestyle changes ....

So yeah I wonder if all the med switches have messed up my ability to write poetry / sapped my creative juices ...

You're not alone.
xxx

Dave Renfro said...

Hugs back. We'll continue this sometime, mule friend. Lots of good stuff here!

~Dave

Martijn said...

Same from me! The hugs and being interested reading I mean. I can't say I have the same symptoms and experience with medication (other than what the liquor store can provide in self-medication) but I have my fair share of some of these things. So: lots of good stuff. Thanks for sharing. "Anxiety is the exoskeleton that gives me my form" is a magnificent statement.

Martijn said...

My psychologist never got round to actual diagnosing, the poor chap.

Jen T said...

Thanks for sharing, Dave...I'm sure it's scary to think of taking anything--every medication has unintended consequences, right? Growing up, would never have thought you had autism. Though I was so wrapped up in my own little self, I wouldn't have noticed even if it was obvious.

Dave Renfro said...

None of us knew, Jen. That's why I've decided to forgive everyone for everything, including myself. I'm just glad we know more about it now so Donald's road won't be quite so rough. A little understanding will go a long way!

bulletholes said...

I knew you were autistic when you won 18 games of Risk in a row.

Dave Renfro said...

That's funny!