OHIO--Speaking to supporters in Strongsville, Ohio today, President Obama told the heart-wrenching story of Ohio cleaning woman and cancer survivor Natoma Canfield who was forced to drop her name insurance coverage due to constantly increasing premiums. "The real tragedy," said Obama, "Is that Natoma isn't even a real cancer. Carcinoma is a real cancer, and Carcy is a great nickname! Melanoma, Melanie, is a lovely name, too. Remember the Gold medal-winning gymnast Marylou Retinoma? Now that's a cancer name! If you ask me, Natoma's getting short shrift!" Democratic
supporters agreed, noting that many Americans of foreign descent also have cancer names. Myeloid-Leukemia is a common Greek name, usually abreviated ML. Mesothelioma is a popular name among Iraqis, particularly those from the Tigris and Euphrates region. Cancer names are so common in Germany that even Prime Minister Angela Merkel Cell has a cancer name. "Americans of all races deserve relief from their carcinogenic names!" shouted Obama over chants of git-r-done and pass-it-now, "We have ridiculed long enough. We have poked fun and we have giggled. Now it's time to act! Now is the time, for the sake of Natoma Canfield and the countless other victims of misguided parents who chose for them unfortunate names, to finally vote on and pass comprehensive name reform legislation!"