Our Wedding was Beautiful!

Rod White: Ladies and gentlemen, (there were no ladies or gentlemen present) we are gathered here today to celebrate the successful fiance visa petition of petitioner Dave and petitionee Cristina and to execute the change to their marital status required by the terms of that visa in a manner consistent with both federal and Arkansas law. If anyone knows some reason why Dave and Cristina should not be so joined, speak now or forever hold your peace.

(no one else was present)

Rod White: Dave, do you take Cristina as your cohabitating partner, to maintain a relationship with her that displays the attributes recognized by the U.S. Department of Citizenship and Immigration Services as indicators of a bona fide marriage in accordance with the terms of Cristina's visa?

Me: I do!

Rod White: And do you agree to consummate this marriage only in darkness and only in the face-to-face, man-superior position as required by Arkansas statute?

Me: Yeah, whatever.

Rod White: Cristina, do you take Dave as your cohabitating partner, to maintain a relationship with him that displays the attributes recognized by the U.S. Department of Citizenship and Immigration Services as indicators of a bona fide marriage in accordance with the terms of your visa?

Cristina: Huh?

Rod White: Say I do.

Cristina: I do!

Rod White: And do you agree to consummate this marriage only in darkness and only in the face-to-face, man-superior position as required by Arkansas statute?

Cristina: What are you talking about?

Rod White: By the power vested in me by the State of Arkansas, I now pronounce you married for immigration, tax, and all other legal purposes. You may petition for removal of the conditional status on your permanent residency in the 90 days prior to the two-year anniversary of this date. Congratulations!

I Finally Got my Quarterly Evaluation!

Husband Performance Review and Development Plan

Husband: Dave Mows Grass
Reviewer: Mrs. Dave Mows Grass

Personal Appearance: 6 (meets expectations) Good hair cut but your brown pocket T-shirts make you look old.

Personal Demeanor: 7 (meets expectations) You've made big gains in this area by not scowling or embarassing me at parties. Still room for improvement.

Bedroom Performance: 6 (meets expectations) Your performance is adequate.

Father Duties: 9 (surpasses expectations) Donald loves his Daddy and the hiking trips to Hobbs! Would be 10 but I heard you tell him that bicycle helmets are for pussies.

Household Duties: 8 (surpasses expectations) You go above and beyond your normal maintenance duties by cooking awesome spaghetti! I'm still waiting for you to change the light bulb in the fridge.

Financial Support: 4 (needs improvement)

(6 + 7 + 6 + 9 + 8 + 4)/6 = 6.67

6.67 kayaking weekends earned this quarter. (A kayaking weekend consists of any two-day period beginning at 07:30 the first day and ending at 18:00 the second day. Single-day kayaking trips ending by 18:00 are charged 0.5 kayaking weekends.)

Rod Wants to Know What Happened

The wording of his question baffles me:

By the way .... you never did fill me in on the lawn mowing catastrophe. Your blog said something to the effect of your foray into horticultural entrepreneurship provided an unexpected high return .... your head. I guess it is better to have your head handed back to you on a platter than for them to still be playing soccer with it. Still there are lingering thoughts that in the USA, a bright young capitalist with a plan who is willing to put forth the effort can build a strong business. What happened?

Quack, Quack!

I agree that a bright young capitalist with a plan who is willing to put forth the effort can build a strong business in this greedy-ass, fucked-up country; I'm just not sure what this has to do with me? Surely my machine shop professor and post-graduate advisor, mentor, person who represented the interests of the State of Arkansas at my wedding, and Guru to All Things Duck hasn't mistaken me for a capitalist? Or for a bright young person? Perhaps he has misunderstood the nature of my oft-overstated libertarian leanings: Believing I have been endowed by my creator with the inalienable right to climb aboard a 150cc mufflerless Honda with an enormous rear sprocket along with half a dozen other people and two huge bags of marang and then travel very loudly and slowly from Nob Hill down to the bridge and back up to Sonora is a much different thing from believing I have the right to overcharge for mowing labor or even charge for labor that I have not actually performed, which is what capitalism is. I'm no capitalist! I'm not very bright, either, or I would have know that the relationship I thought I had with the one company I mowed for was not a relationship with that company at all but with a particular person at that company and that when that person was suddenly gone, the relationship would be suddenly gone as well.

Heartbreaking, but that's it in a nutshell. Thanks for asking!

TEFKACS 2010 - Bone Run on the Mulberry!

Religion Hijacks Great Conversation!

Mulberry River near Ozark--A conversation between kayakers involved in the 35th Anniversary School of Whitewater Paddling put on by the Arkansas Canoe Club went terribly wrong this Saturday when a latecomer apparently misunderstood the topic being discussed. According to witnesses, the late-night conversation was philosophical and hypothetical in nature and not a critique of any particular religion. One glassy-eyed participant described the incident as he munched on breakfast cereal straight from the box: "Dude, we weren't talking about religion at all, man! We were talking about the knowability of things, about how some people can't stand knowing that they really can't know something so they just know it anyway. We were just using religion as a vehicle to explore this righteous idea man, when all of a sudden this drunk dude walks up saying Christians are stupid and stuff. What a fucking letdown, man!" The party crasher reportedly refused to shut up or leave causing many of the other kayakers to retire to their tents early leaving half-drunk beers on the picnic table. The people involved dispersed before authorities were able to respond.