Toronto Bluesman Freezes Ass Off on Stage

TORONTO (AP)--Torontonians are grieving today over the loss of one of the city's best known and most loved bluesmen of all time. Jeff Healey died while performing at Healey's Roadhouse which was Healey's roadhouse. Witnesses report that Healey took what they thought was just a sitting break following a five-hour, continuous blues romp on his guitar. Bandmembers became worried when he failed to resume playing after more that twenty minutes. "He didn't even get up to pee," said the band's drummer, "he just sat there with his guitar on his lap. When I checked on him, he was ice cold and stiff as a board." A medical team was called and they pronounced Healey dead at the scene. The coroner's report listed "freezing ass off" as the cause of death. An RCMP spokesman said they had no reason to suspect foul play and that "Jeff appears to have just frozen his ass off right there on stage. It's the damnedest thing I've ever seen in my twenty years with the Mounted Police." The owners of Healey's Roadhouse insist that Healey's roadhouse will stay open. "We're even going to replace the furnace," said a spokesman, "Jeff had been complaining about that furnace for years." Healey was 41.

Infatuation

My Peggy Noonan crushes never last very long. She'll be on Fox News looking hot and using the most beautiful metaphors to make the most insightful comments and I'll say, "Damn! That girl is smokin!" And then I'll hurry to my computer to find some naughty pictures of this most lovely and sensuous creature. Nothing! There is nothing. I'll go twenty pages deep on my preferred search engine, and nothing. Hey, I know conservative women are more careful than liberal women about who they give their negatives to, but there must be something out there, right? Nope, nothing!

Hey Peggy, I'm not looking for video clips of you with Tommy Lee or anything. I wouldn't watch them if I found them, which I won't find them because none exist. I'm not even looking for any round or triangular parts. All I'm after is some type of slightly suggestive outfit. A plunging neckline, for God's sake! I mean, c'mon Peg, get that other collarbone out for the boys, will ya?