I'm Thinking of Writing a Book

A collection of autobiographical fiction articles along the lines of Jon Krakauer's Eiger Dreams except about kayaking instead of mountaineering. Of course, Jon Krakauer did actually solo Devil's Thumb and did actually wave off a rescue helicopter on Mont Blanc du Tacul. He did climb a 350-foot frozen waterfall in Valdez, Alaska and he did go higher on Eiger's Nordwand than any human has any business going. Of course, I don't have the balls to climb crazy peaks like that. I'm a kayaker so my book will be about rivers I don't have the balls to run. Maybe I'll tell the story of how I didn't quit my job, sell everything I own, and move to Chile to fulfill my lifelong non-fantasy about becoming a guide on the Futaleufu. Or I could talk about the first descents I didn't bag in Mindanao the last time I went to visit my wife's family. That might sell. I mean, who wouldn't want to read a humble vignette about how poorly my sea kayaking skills stacked up against those of the fishermen I didn't stay with in Greenland? It'll be a bestseller!

Policy Memo - Hot Tickets

Being as shorthanded as we are, it's becoming a challenge to serve all of our customers in a timely manner as business increases. We often need to expedite certain jobs to take care of our best customers or new customers we can't afford to loose. We identify these jobs by stapling an orange hot ticket to the work order. The problem we're having lately is that about two-thirds of our work orders have hot tickets stapled to them. This frustrates our brain operators who have no way of knowing which of the hot jobs is the hottest. For this reason, we will now limit ourselves to two hot tickets per right brain and two per left brain. This means that each brain cell could have as many as four hot tickets but only two per brain, the job that is running and the job that is first in the queue. For extremely hot jobs initiated by me, we will still use the informal "dave job" designation that has emerged but dave jobs will also receive a hot ticket. We will no longer have the dave job plus the two hot jobs in the same queue. These new procedures will help us clarify priorities so we can produce the most critical gibberish first. Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

Dave Renfro, CEO

Controlled document. Not for distribution.
DMG-15426

I have no idea what custard is

but I'm suspicious of any food that has to be frozen to taste good.

Makes great bunkers!

CEO's Blog - July 2nd, 2009

Well, it's July again and another fiscal year has dropped. As you all know, we've been drawing down our inventory for the last several months in order to achieve an artificial accounting result for the quarter. I don't think we fooled anyone but it's always worth trying. Anyway, now is payback time. Following a few soft quarters, we've seen an uptick in demand across the board and our ReThought product is taking off. A surprising marketing idea from Steve in the brainroom has also brought in some new customers who are using our gibberish as mulch. It's going to be assholes and elbows rebuilding our inventory while keeping up with this increased customer demand so expect to work every weekend unless you hear otherwise. But not this weekend. This weekend, we are taking three days to celebrate the birth of our great nation. Put your militant Christian, right-wing, ultra-nationalist reactionary hats on and go blow some shit up! Don't get drunk and drive though because we need every one of you back here on Monday, in one piece, and ready to produce great gibberish. Thanks to everyone for making FY09 such a marginal success!

~Dave

Internal Memo to Upper Management - Pricing

As you know, our Re-Thought© line of post-consumer, recycled gibberish has been very popular with an increasingly "green" public, accounting for nearly 40% of sales. We are currently pricing Re-Thought© 50% higher than our standard product even though the cost to produce it is exactly the same. We must aggressively defend this higher margin by allowing no one outside the upper management group and purchasing department to ever find out that our standard product is made of the same 100% post-consumer, recycled material used in Re-Thought©. That means no one! One tiny leak to a family member or a trusted colleague could rout our profits and damage our credibility with our customers forever. No one will buy our gibberish. Let's keep DMG Gibberish Solutions strong by keeping our mouths shut, shall we? Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

Dave Renfro, CEO

Maximum security document. May not be physically or electronically duplicated in any manner. Not for distribution outside the big room.
DMG-45130X

This is what Happiness Looks Like

Does this look any better, Steve? A little parsley?