Policy Memo - CLUBing Intervals

With the challenging economic conditions we are experiencing and the resulting slowdown in business, many of our brains are running slowly or not at all for much of the day. It no longer makes sense to CLUB our brains every day as we have been doing. Until further notice, we will only clean our brains on the days we run them and we will lube them bi-weekly instead of weekly. Brain operators will still fill out their CLUB charts every day. DMG Gibberish Solutions understands that overservicing our machines is wasteful and can be just as damaging as underservicing them. We believe this change to our CLUB policy will maximize brain availability and allow us to better serve our customers. Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

Dave Renfro, CEO

Controlled document. Not for distribution.
DMG-12405

Policy Memo - Pronunciation of Fiscal

DMG Gibberish Solutions believes the use of the term "physical year" in place of "fiscal year" has become so widespread and familiar that it no longer causes communication problems. Listeners understand that both terms do indeed refer to the fiscal year. For this reason, DMG Gibberish Solutions will discontinue immediately the stoning and public humiliation of employees who use the wrong term. While acknowedging that modern usage has changed, we still strongly encourage the use of the proper word fiscal when refering to the fiscal year. Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

Dave Renfro, CEO

Controlled document. Not for distribution.
DMG-25640

Policy Memo - Standing Around Talking

DMG Gibberish Solutions believes standing around talking is the existential need of every human. Our employees spend as much as a third of their days with people they don't know outside of the office or brainroom. For them to work well together, they need a context and understanding of each other that can only be developed by talking about things not directly related to the work in front of them. For this reason, supervisors and leadpersons are encouraged to keep on walking when they see brain operators standing around talking, particularly if their brains are running. If they return ten minutes later and the same operators are still talking or if their brains have stopped, they should deal with it as they see fit. We need our thinkers to be as productive as possible and they won't be if they are not allowed to be human. Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

Dave Renfro, CEO

Controlled document. Not for distribution.
DMG-20645

A Big Thanks

to everyone who has visited my blog over the last several years. Your friendship means the world to me and I will miss your kind and funny comments. This year has been a personal reality show in which I've been forced to cut something out of the lineup every week. Please know that this blog outlasted my business, my music, my tools that I loved, my ambitions of one day having a career instead of just a job, and my dog. It even outlasted fishing! But alas, the blog must go. Right now, I'm down to just three hobbies: Kayaking, raising my son, and keeping my ass out of bankrupty court. I'm hoping the show gets cancelled before I have to pick a winner. In the mean time, I'll leave you with a few of my favorite posts and with the promise that I will stop by to visit from time to time. Thank you so much for your friendship and for everything else!

S.Y.O.T.R.

~Dave

Here's to You, Healthy Prostate Man!

You know who you are, standing there with your your hands on your hips and every strand of your silver hair in perfect place. Your continuous stream mocks my bifurcated, paruretic trickle. So does your single, exaggerated shake and the slowness with which you wash and dry your hands. But why hurry, when your prostate is the size of a walnut and just as hard. You are a deluge of truck stop confidence and I raise my gallon-jug of water to you... just as soon as I finish!

You Are a Production Worker

This is the one, immutable truth that underlies your entire existence. You can no more change this fact about yourself than you can change the length of your penis. Strapping on an associate degree from some dipshit online university will not make you any larger or more potent than you already are, and it will not increase your pleasure. Do not be confused by personal quirks like your natural understanding of difficult mathematical concepts or the fact that you occasionally write well. Stack all your quirks end-to-end and they would not reach one escalator flight in the monster edifice of your production worker being. Put on a collared shirt and go to quality conferences if you like, but understand that you are going to a dude ranch. You are not exploring your personal potential; you are punchin' doggies, because you are about as close to being a statistician or technical writer or "quality professional" as you are to being a fucking cowpoke! The "exploring your potential" lie is ambition fucking with you. Your potential is what it is and you have already reached it. Ask yourself these questions: Can you write well every day? Can you design effective experiments every day? Can you recognize waste and design countermeasures to eliminate it every day? Now ask yourself this: Can you do production work every day? I don't need to tell you the answers. You are a production worker. It is your who, your what, your where, your when, your how, and your why. It is your Five Whys! You are a production worker. Make peace with this fact and you will make peace with yourself. Do it now.